All of my life I have been aware of entities and forces moving around me and ahead of me. But I spent my childhood abused and unknowingly the survivor of childhood sexual abuse. When I was about the age of 12, I deeply longed for death. If you had asked me if I was suicidal I would have denied with every fiber of my being. But I just wanted rest, I wanted space to be able to take a breath. My soul was dying and I spent many hours curled up in the corner of my room, sobbing and writing little notes that said “I just want to go home.”
“Home” meant heaven. I wanted to die. But someone stood next to me and every time, picked me up and told me that I was strong enough, I would be able to make it. My first experience of having a channeling done, I started crying. The spirit that was being channeled was one of the ones who had stood by me and made sure that I would be able to keep going during those years. They were the reason I am still here today. A year ago when my memories returned and I finally had all the pieces of what happened to me as a child, a lot of things made more sense.
As I have started learning to reconcile and accept the shadows within me, the deeper my desire has grown to be there and hold space for my fellow sisters who are also CSA survivors. I have had the desire to use my story to help others for as long as I can remember. This desire to let others who have been and are in my shoes know that they are not alone. If I can use a knowledge of herbs and oils to help that, I want to pursue that too. I want to give other women and sisters the hope I’ve found and I want to bring other women along in my journey of healing and discovery and to show them it is possible to heal. Not only heal, but to thrive.
It is hard to move past the deeply seated anger I have towards one of my parents. Ironically it’s not the one who abused me. I see pictures of my younger self and my heart is wrenched with sadness for what happened to her/me. The scars and shadows caused for having been abused as a child are what draws me to the darker Goddesses, like Lilith.
She is a dark goddess, she is a goddess who sits with the shadows, she’s helping me to harmonize my dark and light sides. I have been of the darkness for so long, I almost don’t remember what it’s like to be full of light. My lightness cowers because I have been shamed and guilted for having a good time or for being happy. I am still learning that it is okay to be in a good place, that that does not diminish or negate my shadows. I find peace in my darkness/shadows. I find a comfort because it is familiar. It is something that makes me feel safe.
One thing about those shadows is this traumatized feeling I have surrounding menstrual blood. I grew up being taught that my blood was something to be ashamed off. That it was dirty and disgusting. It didn’t help that my moon cycles were incredibly painful and brought horrific amount of pain each month. I also had a severe aversion BECAUSE of having been sexually abused as a child. Even after having two children, moon blood still makes me have a panic/anxiety attack.
Having been introduced to both Goddesses Medb and Lilith, and knowing their relationships with moon blood, it makes me half sad that I have had a procedure done to make sure that I don’t bleed. I want to rebuild a relationship with my moon cycles, which is going to be difficult because of how much pain is associated with my hormones and my entire womb space. But I think I do want to heal. I do want to transition from this is something that only causes me pain, to this is something beautiful and something to honor.
I want to find a way to acknowledge the shadows and allow them to blend and mesh with the entirety of my being instead of staying in the darkness. I want to find a way to help my fellow sisters do the same thing.