I just recently learned about yoni eggs, and was given one a month ago. I also learned about yoni steams at the same time. Being the survivor of childhood sexual abuse means that my entire lower abdomen (uterus, vagina, labia…) is still fairly locked down despite several years now of specific healing work on that part of my body. I can see now that it was difficult to really heal before my memories came back of the sexual abuse I experienced as a child. But since becoming aware of those memories, my healing with my yoni has become so much more intentional.
Yoni is an ancient Sanskrit term for vagina. I believe it is typically associated with Shakti and Shiva.https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Yoni
What has been whispering and holding me for the past year and especially in the past month is a deep and burning desire to create space for fellow childhood sexual abuse survivors. Specifically ones on this journey of Paganism. I long to create and hold space for their [and my] trauma and use a growing knowledge of herbs and flowers to help initiated healing and awareness of that trauma. But I know that this desire needs to start with my own healing and my own acceptance of my shadow self.
During a retreat I recently attended I was introduced to a yoni steam. I have forgotten the specific herbs used for that yoni steam, but I remember sitting over the pot of steaming water and feeling so tense and afraid. I sure as hell didn’t want any extra awareness to my yoni. I didn’t want to be aware and then release the junk that I didn’t want to be aware of. Because of my childhood sexual abuse, I have been fighting against a traumatizing aversion to menstrual blood. As I sat there and took in the guidance of what I was suggested to do during the yoni steam, hearing that this yoni steam would help regulate cycles and help release old blood and a fuller clean out so to speak during the next moon cycle, I started panicking a bit.
See, I had a procedure done in June that would hopefully completely stop me from bleeding during my moon cycle, or at the very least, greatly minimize bleeding. So the very thought of inducing an actually bleeding cycle was terrifying to me. During the 20 minutes I sat over the steaming pot, I slowly started to relax. I walked away from that weekend having gained a new outlook or appreciation for what my body can do and does. I walked into that weekend retreat not knowing what I was going to gain and I walked out feeling sorrow that I no longer bleed.
I promise I’m getting to the part about yoni eggs, but just bear with me.
I’ll be honest, my first birth was excruciatingly difficult because of my [then unknown] sexual abuse. What would have been a fairly quick first time birth, turned into 6 hours pushing because I couldn’t bring awareness to my yoni and allow for my child to pass through. My second birth [my trauma still unknown] what almost redemptive, but I had a medically necessary c-section due to my second child’s medical condition and I was so relieved. My [lack-of-a] relationship with my yoni has been complicated to say the least. So when I attended a retreat where 90% of the time was dedicated to respecting and honoring one’s yoni, I was forced to confront the rest of the trauma I am still holding in my yoni.
When I picked out my first yoni egg, I had the choice of a Rose Quartz, Jade, or Black Obsidian. Even though I was told that obsidian is extremely powerful and not usually recommended especially for those who have sexual trauma, that was the egg I chose. More so, it chose me. She chose me and I have been working on building a relationship with the energies that egg holds. It is an intense crystal and yet, instead of throwing into an absolute mess, it has been grounding me, and giving me a chance to really appreciate the strength I do hold in my root chakra and my yoni.
I have used it three times besides just sitting with my yoni egg and allowing myself to become connected to the energy it holds. The last time I use it, just a few mornings ago, I finally experienced the drawing and releasing I had read about. I felt her pull all of the anxiety and frustration and highly tensed emotions into her and as I released the egg, I felt all of those emotions withdraw from my spirit and body. It was relieving and grounding and I felt an intense release.
Quick comment though: Gwyneth Paltrow did not come up with yoni eggs. I do not recommend using her site to get a yoni egg. Look for the sites that honor and respect the entirety of yoni eggs and what they stand for. Do not use one unless you understand what they are for and you have connected with the energy of the egg you choose or that chooses you.
As a testimony of the intense work I’ve been doing the past month, I experienced my first post-surgery bleeding last week, and even though there was a moment of panic and discouragement that maybe the procedure didn’t work, my mind immediately went to how can I honor this moon blood and how can I give back to Mama Earth? It was the first time I’ve ever experienced a cycle and didn’t feel re-traumatized or ashamed or dirty. My strongest thought was “how can I honor this?” and that in and of itself marks a significant shift in my mindset and in my healing. Even dealing with endometriosis and menorrhgia, I am not fearing my moon cycle anymore.
References for Yoni steaming
– I want to be careful with this article. I am as white as white can be, but I do appreciate these traditions of using yoni steaming to help heal sexual trauma and I want to bring awareness to that.
References for Yoni eggs